Comedian Milton Berle said, “You know you’re getting older when it takes more time to recover than it did to tire out.”
He was joking of course, but he was also onto something.
As we get older, there comes a point when we realize we need more help than we used to. For some of us, that’s difficult to accept. No one enjoys having to rely on others for things we once did ourselves.
If you’re the caregiver for an elderly parent or other relative, you may sense their frustration. It may even manifest as anger directed at you. In truth, it’s most likely you are not the true cause of that behavior. Aging is a complex process; your loved one is going through changes over which they have little or no control. They may also be experiencing a physical or cognitive decline that can make them feel irritated, helpless and resentful.
How do you as the caregiver handle this?
As I tell the nursing staff I teach at St. Ann’s Community, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Remind yourself of what they’re going through and think about how you’d feel—and how you’d like other to respond—if that was you.
Let your loved one know you are not trying to belittle or patronize them or take away their independence. You care about them and want them to be safe while living in their own home for as long as possible. That’s not a perfect answer, but it’s a start.
There are also practical steps you can take to make the road smoother for both your loved one and yourself:
Know their end-of-life wishes. Have a meaningful conversation about the medical care your loved one wants (and doesn’t want) if they become seriously ill or unable to communicate. Put their preferences in writing with advance directives such as a living will, health care proxy and durable power of attorney. Your doctor’s office, attorney, or local office for the aging can assist with this.
• Stay up to date. Keep a current list of your loved one’s medications and medical conditions. If you can’t accompany them to their appointments, make sure you review the after-visit summary. Know the password for accessing the patient portal (MyCare, MyChart, etc.) used by the doctor’s office which contains the patient’s online medical records and other information.
• Be prepared. Know the medical supplies your loved one needs and how and when to order them. (Be aware: Not everything arrives overnight.) Think nebulizer, CPAP machine, oxygen equipment, blood sugar test strips, etc.
• Be proactive. Install nightlights, grab bars, hand railings, non slip stair treads, and other easily obtainable home-safety items to keep your loved one safe. Consider a personal emergency response system (wearable help button) that can be used to call for help in the event of a fall or other emergency.
As I tell my nursing students, being responsible for the care of our elders is one of the greatest gifts anyone can receive. Be conscious of that, and know you play a vital role in the life of a very special person. And if at any point the pressure of being a caregiver becomes too much, reach out to St. Ann’s Community — we have expert staff ready to walk you through the next steps into senior living.
Kristie Pfaff is a registered nurse and director of education at St. Ann’s Community. She can be reached at kpfaff@mystanns.com